Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
