Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
