that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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