Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I need a beard to bite.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
