I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
