so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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