now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
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I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
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I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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