I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
