do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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