hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
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You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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