You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
