I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
