I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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