I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
