So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
