1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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