I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
