Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Randomize
