I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
i came on her dog
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
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