I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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