Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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