: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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