I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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