We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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