If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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