i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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