I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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