Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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