"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
