The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
