wrigley field is MILF paradise
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
