i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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