using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
