dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
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He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
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Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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