That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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