please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
