The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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