i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
How does it feel to date your dad?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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