I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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