Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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