Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Randomize
