I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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