Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
