Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
