Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
