Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
