so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Randomize
