Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
