I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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