I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
