So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
please don't ironically join a cult
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