What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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