She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
