I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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