Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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