just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
