You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
