She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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