Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
