the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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